I believe that the most important thing that you need to do to heal a marriage after an affair is to see this time as an opportunity to create what you have always wanted and deserved. So there were some things that weren’t working in your marriage? Well, now is the time to change them.

The most effective way to move past or to get over an affair and save your marriage is to create a new, better, and closer marriage than what there was before. This is the only way to ensure that you aren’t constantly looking back or reliving the past. When you have a marriage which is better than it has ever been, then you don’t really want to live in the past because you are too busy enjoying your new present.

You don’t always need a counsellor to do this, but it’s an important step that you absolutely should not skip. If you just remain miserable and doubtful in your marriage, then what is the point in doing all of the work to save it?

What can you do to reduce the possibility of cheating?

There are steps you can take to maintain and build the emotional connection in your relationship. A strong emotional connection reduces the likelihood of cheating. Schedule in time in your calendars each week to have special time together, maybe to go on a date or do something that nourishes your relationship. Take an interest in the emotional life of your partner, ask them what they would like more of/less of in the relationship.

Find out what is important to them.

Learn how to express your feelings and needs openly so your partner can stay open. If you complain and attack then your partner is going to close and attack back. We all have needs, yet society conditions us not to listen to our needs. Women are conditioned to think of others, not themselves, Men are conditioned to be in control and be strong. If we are not in touch of our needs and are unable to express them, we tend to unconsciously act out our needs. So to get in touch with your needs take some time by yourself and notice your body.

1. Notice any tightness in your stomach and chest. Just keep your attention on the area and wait expectantly to see what feelings come.

2. Put what you are feeling/needing into words.

3. Shape those words into a doable request.

For example: You notice some tightness under your rib cage… it’s fear that your partner is meeting some friends tonight and you are wanting to feel more connected to him. You realise you are needing reassurance and connection. You make a request to your partner “I want to feel closer to you, I value spending time with you, yet I feel scared that you don’t want to spend time with me. I’d really like it if we could do something together on Thursday and I could really do with a hug right now.”

The surprising thing is, that when we risk coming from our heart with what we want without attacking our partner, they feel connected to us and usually respond lovingly.

Why Do I Need A Marriage Counsellor Anyway? Can’t I Work On My Marriage After The Affair Myself?

Theoretically, you could. But few people have the objectivity to take a step back and see the situation as it really is. This is because you are simply too close to it and aren’t able to see all of the issues and the nuances at hand.  

A counsellor can:

*  help the both of you to understand what may have been some contributing factors to the affair. 
*  help you to identity hidden problems and how to work through them
*  help arm the both of you with better ways of interacting, communicating, and restoring trust and intimacy
*  point out vulnerabilities and tendencies which may have never occurred to you but may be holding you back, and to smooth the way toward fixing it.